...and yet I haven't posted a blog yet.

LOL! So what does that say about me...?

It's kind of ironic; since I created this blog I've written three posts that I just never finished. Just never published. I'll write something, spend a good amount of time on it, and then leave it to continue editing later... and then I start to doubt myself, and what I've written, and why I would want to share it with anybody. And so this has remained a shell of a blog for months and months.

I guess I've got this thing that holds me back in life. This Why that I can't seem to shake. It goes like this:

I want to write. But why? says a little voice in the back of my psyche. Why do you want to write? Hasn't enough been said already? Aren't there billions of people out there writing at this very moment, probably something very similar, or even better than what you might come up with?

I want to blog. But why? Don't you have enough on your plate taking care of two babies (and their dad), yourself, two dogs, and a house!? It could really take every bit of time and energy you have to feed, clothe, entertain, exercise, love, and keep this household clean. Do you really need to spread out your energies more than they already are?


I want to make something of myself, do something important, inspired or inspiring, or even just interesting with my life. But why? In the scheme of things what will it matter if your ego has made a name amongst other egos of our time? What is this need to be productive? Why aren't you content with just being? Why can't you, like a leaf or a deer, just go with the flow of the Universe?

I thought about this the other night while watching a Showtime documentary on Joan Rivers, who, in her mid-seventies is still in pursuit of what she deems to be "success" in showbusiness. She really takes to heart the idea that all the world is a stage... and furthermore isn't happy with her performance unless the reviews are favorable. I guess it is her craving to be social, her fear of being alone and ultimately dying alone, unrecognized for her abilities, her comedy and her stage presence, whatever, that motivates her. Her drive to be productive and creative and so.. public is extreme, to say the least. But still I can relate and understand her feeling.

I have always been a writer. Just a private writer. Hardly anyone sees what I write... If you write every day but never publish it, never even let anyone else read it, does it still count as being a writer? And then, am I writing out of fear of being unimportant, of not having a voice in my society? A friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day, "Are you acting out of fear or love?" I do think it is a good thing to ask yourself every once in a while.

And doing stuff is important, no matter how much recognition you get or don't get for what you do. I get that. Even if I never write, blog, work outside of my own home, I know that I'm doing my best as a mother and as an upstanding citizen (I suppose!) and that it's important, to my family and to society. But I still have this need. This desire, to write. To publish a post on a blog that has the possibility of being read by billions of people. It's just that part of me that is an extreme nihilist still thinks, why must I create? Why must I be productive and put myself out there? Isn't being here now enough? 


Well, being a nihilist is great. I like it. It keeps me grounded and makes living interesting and life funny. I guess. Sometimes. It is, however, bad if you want to do anything, really, especially blog. SO! Putting my vague philosophies on life aside, and in lieu of continuing to edit and edit some more (as I know I could definitely do!), here's to publishing my first post!

Why? Because. I don't know. But just because. Why not?!

Anyway, please feel leave a comment, whether you know me or not. Whether it is important or not. Just to. And I'll try to blog again, sometime soon, most likely. :-) ;-) Thanks for stopping by!