That is how long it took me to blog, between blogs. Just an observation. :)
Amazing how time flies. I probably would have blogged if not having gone through an amazingly draining experience in my personal life involving massive amounts of cheap whisky, and several broken hearts. That is all the elaboration I'm going to do on that very personal subject, but for the record, the liquor was consumed not by me, but by someone else (contrary to what you may assume being that my last blog in May was called Drunk)….
Ahhhhh. I sit here drinking my soy latte with natural coconut flavor, in this quaint little coffee shop in my favorite part of town, and I am happy. It's amazing how we take for granted the ability to just BE. Only after having my whole life lifted out from under me and shaken, after dragging myself through the last half of the year, struggling every day to find the stillness within myself, I can finally appreciate it.
Stillness.
Even with two almost-two-year-olds running around getting into everything. I'm talking about stillness within my mind, my spirit, and my body. If you have experienced any type of life crisis, then you must have an idea of what I'm talking about.
Yoga has been rejuvenating for me. It is so hard to just be still in your own mind!! I recently realized that almost constantly if I'm not thinking, I'm singing in my head.
I guess we're all a little crazy…
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Restlessness
I had a dream last night that had to do with the impermanence of my family. Was it a sign? In this world of myth and signs and TV and law, sometimes the best thing to do Right Now can be hard to decipher. One thing I do know. I have a gypsy soul, and I wonder about it. Why can't we just sit still? Even as I type the words I already know the answer within myself. I can't sit still because... I'm not a rock! And even rocks aren't fully, fully still, now are they?
Don't get me wrong. I am absolutely in love with my surroundings. My family. These two kids, faces caked with yogurt, impeding my productivity they may be, chatting up anyone and everyone with their ever-growing vocabularies… God I am so lucky to have them. LUCKY. Blessed to have them, that they love me unconditionally, that I get to spend every single day and night with them. This little family makes me absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing in my life, at this moment. For us. :)
But then there's this productivity... that is lacking in my life. Granted, I have been a stay-at-home mom for going on two years, give or take a few temp jobs here or there… Here's where I am falling off. I have so much to say about job searches, productivity in the modern world, expectations of my family and society, and in turn, myself!, blah blah blah. My kids' breakfasttime is over, so here ends my blogging-for-the-first-time-in-a-long-long-long-time.
Here's to keeping on keeping on this path, difficult as it may be at times, it is mine!
Don't get me wrong. I am absolutely in love with my surroundings. My family. These two kids, faces caked with yogurt, impeding my productivity they may be, chatting up anyone and everyone with their ever-growing vocabularies… God I am so lucky to have them. LUCKY. Blessed to have them, that they love me unconditionally, that I get to spend every single day and night with them. This little family makes me absolutely sure that I'm doing the right thing in my life, at this moment. For us. :)
But then there's this productivity... that is lacking in my life. Granted, I have been a stay-at-home mom for going on two years, give or take a few temp jobs here or there… Here's where I am falling off. I have so much to say about job searches, productivity in the modern world, expectations of my family and society, and in turn, myself!, blah blah blah. My kids' breakfasttime is over, so here ends my blogging-for-the-first-time-in-a-long-long-long-time.
Here's to keeping on keeping on this path, difficult as it may be at times, it is mine!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Drunk.
Okay, not drunk. Kinda buzzed up. But so what.
Two (legible) thoughts come to mind:
1) This one Chinese artist. He would never paint sober. Only drunk, because only then is the uninhibited creative abyss fully accessible. I forget his name.... but I think he was alive during either the Tang or Qing dynasty? I don't remember.... Fuzzy half-remembered thoughts from many years ago in a class on Chinese Art at University of Hawai'i. Nevertheless, very inspiring.
On this note, I'm also reminded of several other inspiring ideas that I took away from that class:
1) Reading in between the lines. And the realization that the nothingness of anything is often just as important as the somethingness....
2) The belief, prevalent in classical Chinese artist thought, that each line should be done ONCE, and left as is. That each stroke should stand alone, and not be done over, or added to.... Maybe I'm not relating the exact idea, but something like this. And it is inspiring in itself, especially to anyone who tries to do art. Let me further explain... I was doing some water painting earlier and I kept doubting my strokes and redoing and recovering and adding to.... And that led me to think of this concept that I learned in this class. Let me tell you, it is hard! And I think it really comes down to other areas of your life. What actions can you do ONE time, and feel totally confident about as you continue moving toward creating your work of art?
This also leads me to think of Camilla, my sister-blogger. (I'd like to think, although she is a much more consistent blogger than I.) (And btw, please do check her blog out, because I absolutely adore her and I think you may too, it's called Evidence of Thought.) But she and I were Skyping the other day and talking about blogging and I told her I blog occasionally but then second-guess myself.. and her advice was to JUST POST. Just do it. And I think that is great, and relevant advice. :)
2) "You are the master of your own Universe." Yes, I am. A prevalent theme in Dan Brown's book that I just finished........ The Lost Symbol. Ahhh so much I could say about this book. A great book. An amazing weaver of readable story. It seriously fills me with wonder. How the aightch does one write a book so... maze-like? Highly recommended.
Okay, dinner just walked in the door, so on that note.. here's to just posting. ;)
Two (legible) thoughts come to mind:
1) This one Chinese artist. He would never paint sober. Only drunk, because only then is the uninhibited creative abyss fully accessible. I forget his name.... but I think he was alive during either the Tang or Qing dynasty? I don't remember.... Fuzzy half-remembered thoughts from many years ago in a class on Chinese Art at University of Hawai'i. Nevertheless, very inspiring.
On this note, I'm also reminded of several other inspiring ideas that I took away from that class:
1) Reading in between the lines. And the realization that the nothingness of anything is often just as important as the somethingness....
2) The belief, prevalent in classical Chinese artist thought, that each line should be done ONCE, and left as is. That each stroke should stand alone, and not be done over, or added to.... Maybe I'm not relating the exact idea, but something like this. And it is inspiring in itself, especially to anyone who tries to do art. Let me further explain... I was doing some water painting earlier and I kept doubting my strokes and redoing and recovering and adding to.... And that led me to think of this concept that I learned in this class. Let me tell you, it is hard! And I think it really comes down to other areas of your life. What actions can you do ONE time, and feel totally confident about as you continue moving toward creating your work of art?
This also leads me to think of Camilla, my sister-blogger. (I'd like to think, although she is a much more consistent blogger than I.) (And btw, please do check her blog out, because I absolutely adore her and I think you may too, it's called Evidence of Thought.) But she and I were Skyping the other day and talking about blogging and I told her I blog occasionally but then second-guess myself.. and her advice was to JUST POST. Just do it. And I think that is great, and relevant advice. :)
2) "You are the master of your own Universe." Yes, I am. A prevalent theme in Dan Brown's book that I just finished........ The Lost Symbol. Ahhh so much I could say about this book. A great book. An amazing weaver of readable story. It seriously fills me with wonder. How the aightch does one write a book so... maze-like? Highly recommended.
Okay, dinner just walked in the door, so on that note.. here's to just posting. ;)
Monday, April 25, 2011
Shameful
Fact: I am blogging at work. (Which some could say IS shameful, however, I'm working temporarily as a substitute teacher, and blogging or not blogging I do still believe I am a good sub, so it's okay;)
I kind of figure I should take this opportunity to enshrine this wonderful word, SHAMEFUL, before it slips from my mind into the unopened pages of dictionaries worldwide and into the depths of my subconciousness, or wherever underappreciated words go.
Also I wanted to briefly mention:
I wanted to blog on 4/20 about the holiday, (which, yes, despite its general theme and whatever YOU may have against that theme, I do believe is an important holiday about resistance and subculture and youth)... but then I didn't.
I wanted to blog on 4/22 about Earth day, which is one of my favorite and also probably the most underrated holidays... but then I didn't.
I wanted to blog yesterday, 4/24 about Easter, which is one of the most, shall we say, befuddled holidays which I really feel is shamefully riddled by assimilation... but then I didn't.
So there we go.
What the hell?! I may just be a slacker. Although, I always like to say, even as I'm sitting, stationary, I'm not lazy, I'm busy. Maybe I am, as Nils Andreasson (attaché of Leadership:Barrow) observed in his FB doc "Take aways of Southeast Tour" of so many young Alaskan people today, an overcommited and underutilized young citizen of the world. I have much more to say about this, but I am, again, at work. So... yeah. :)
Picture: That is me, working hard. :-P No shame!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Do you hear that?
It's the vibration of the island nation, of Hawai'i, calling my name. I mean seriously. Everywhere I go, I'm either hanging out with friends from HI, singing or listening to Hawaiian tunes, talking about HI, eating Hawaiian food...! It's becoming an obsession. Here's the background picture on my laptop:
Okkkay never mind, two tries later that was way too slow to upload. But it's a picture of Makapu'u, and it's even on an overcast day but it looks sooo lovely. :D)
Anyway, maybe I'm hearing the broken record of my LIFE calling out for me to go somewhere warm!! Seriously. I have had plans to go to HI at least five times in the last year probably that never worked out. I may be a little daunted by a 6 hour flight with two babies. Buuut if I go... yes, tomorrow... (;)) assuming this storm lets up and planes can fly, I can fly with a friend who would be a perfect baby holder. It's hard being a traveler at heart, and having two lapbabies, and only one lap!
But that brings me back to that earlier question: Are you acting out of fear or love?
I love Hawaii. Who doesn't?! Where you can smell plumerias just walking around. Good food, sun, warmth, beautiful beaches... I don't need to write another word about it because everyone already KNOWS. I just need to get there. Because records are supposed to be full of music, harmony, changing songs. And when your life's record is on repeat, then maybe it is time to take a random vacation and upload some new music!! hehehe Besides, it has now been over TWO years since I graduated from University of Hawai'i and moved back home to the NORTH. It is my home, and I love it BUT, I never intended to live here in the winter! I did enough of that already...
FURTHERMORE. Here is the view from my window. Note the greyness of the sky. That huge drift covering that broken truck. You can't see the howl of the wind through the picture but it is howling. Blizzard. Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful in its own wintery way. It's not really that cold out and the wind feels kind of warm. Not that I've been outside today, but I went out last night for a little drive and it was nice. Walking from the truck to my front door, all cozy in my warm boots, coat, hat and gloves, I was imagining polar bears living out in the middle of this white snowy world, all cozy in their built-in parkas... quiet besides the wind, so peaceful, cruising around in the soft, fluffy snow. Then I got scared cause they could easily have been cruising around in town, unnoticed with everyone inside their warm houses and out of the blizzard. LOL!
I'm going to look for tickets. BY the WAY I must mention that my trip is also condoned by He who works hard, in this weather, ten hours a day and six days a week. Thank Godness. ;) So why not go? I hope I can find a ticket.
Okkkay never mind, two tries later that was way too slow to upload. But it's a picture of Makapu'u, and it's even on an overcast day but it looks sooo lovely. :D)
Anyway, maybe I'm hearing the broken record of my LIFE calling out for me to go somewhere warm!! Seriously. I have had plans to go to HI at least five times in the last year probably that never worked out. I may be a little daunted by a 6 hour flight with two babies. Buuut if I go... yes, tomorrow... (;)) assuming this storm lets up and planes can fly, I can fly with a friend who would be a perfect baby holder. It's hard being a traveler at heart, and having two lapbabies, and only one lap!
But that brings me back to that earlier question: Are you acting out of fear or love?
I love Hawaii. Who doesn't?! Where you can smell plumerias just walking around. Good food, sun, warmth, beautiful beaches... I don't need to write another word about it because everyone already KNOWS. I just need to get there. Because records are supposed to be full of music, harmony, changing songs. And when your life's record is on repeat, then maybe it is time to take a random vacation and upload some new music!! hehehe Besides, it has now been over TWO years since I graduated from University of Hawai'i and moved back home to the NORTH. It is my home, and I love it BUT, I never intended to live here in the winter! I did enough of that already...
I'm going to look for tickets. BY the WAY I must mention that my trip is also condoned by He who works hard, in this weather, ten hours a day and six days a week. Thank Godness. ;) So why not go? I hope I can find a ticket.
Well then.
I can post on my blog from my phone. So there is really no excuse not to post, if and when I feel the need to do so... Haha. For whatever reason. ;) I guess that makes sense since I often Facebook on my phone, and write on my notes on my phone. Wierd world we live in today eh... Blogging, "online social networking," anywhere. The bathroom, the grocery store, while stopped at a red light (which I do not condone btw).
I'm posting again just because of the number of people that looked at my first post, 94 last i looked according to the counter gadget on the top right. Who knows how accurate that it but still it is kind of cool. It makes me wonder who you all are who read my words. Mostly people I know I'm sure. People from my Facebook, my family, friends... Acquaintances. Old friends. But you never know. I've stumbled on some pretty obscure blogs before, somehow. I'll just be bored sitting in front of my laptop, tired of Facebook or my email. Already checked my bank and phone accounts. At that point I will often try to think of something I had wondered about recently. Try to learn or be inspired, see something new at least. So I google it and then that one thing catches my eye and I click on the link and am whisked away to wherever it takes me. That's what's is so intriguing and appealing to me about blogging.
I feel like blogging is kind of like learning a language. When you begin to understand a new language, you are then able to communicate with that many more people of this world that you before weren't able to. Cool, very. Communication is crucial in this, the age of information,
'cause knowledge is power! As they say on School House Rock. :) Love(d) that show.
Hahaha okay I am gonna publish now and I can't easily go back on my phone to edit so it is as IS, straight out of my brain to your computer screen, whoever you may be. :-) Thanks for reading, anyway, and leave me comments if you DaRe, because it is fun to read them. Check back whenever you want but I make no promises that I will blog again, or that it won't be super boring, or slightly offensive...? Atchu!?! I probably won't post anyhing offensive, but you never know what some people can get offended about. :)It's my blog so I'll do what I want
with it, and we shall see where it goes ;)
I'm posting again just because of the number of people that looked at my first post, 94 last i looked according to the counter gadget on the top right. Who knows how accurate that it but still it is kind of cool. It makes me wonder who you all are who read my words. Mostly people I know I'm sure. People from my Facebook, my family, friends... Acquaintances. Old friends. But you never know. I've stumbled on some pretty obscure blogs before, somehow. I'll just be bored sitting in front of my laptop, tired of Facebook or my email. Already checked my bank and phone accounts. At that point I will often try to think of something I had wondered about recently. Try to learn or be inspired, see something new at least. So I google it and then that one thing catches my eye and I click on the link and am whisked away to wherever it takes me. That's what's is so intriguing and appealing to me about blogging.
I feel like blogging is kind of like learning a language. When you begin to understand a new language, you are then able to communicate with that many more people of this world that you before weren't able to. Cool, very. Communication is crucial in this, the age of information,
'cause knowledge is power! As they say on School House Rock. :) Love(d) that show.
Hahaha okay I am gonna publish now and I can't easily go back on my phone to edit so it is as IS, straight out of my brain to your computer screen, whoever you may be. :-) Thanks for reading, anyway, and leave me comments if you DaRe, because it is fun to read them. Check back whenever you want but I make no promises that I will blog again, or that it won't be super boring, or slightly offensive...? Atchu!?! I probably won't post anyhing offensive, but you never know what some people can get offended about. :)It's my blog so I'll do what I want
with it, and we shall see where it goes ;)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
...and yet I haven't posted a blog yet.
LOL! So what does that say about me...?
It's kind of ironic; since I created this blog I've written three posts that I just never finished. Just never published. I'll write something, spend a good amount of time on it, and then leave it to continue editing later... and then I start to doubt myself, and what I've written, and why I would want to share it with anybody. And so this has remained a shell of a blog for months and months.
I guess I've got this thing that holds me back in life. This Why that I can't seem to shake. It goes like this:
I want to write. But why? says a little voice in the back of my psyche. Why do you want to write? Hasn't enough been said already? Aren't there billions of people out there writing at this very moment, probably something very similar, or even better than what you might come up with?
I want to blog. But why? Don't you have enough on your plate taking care of two babies (and their dad), yourself, two dogs, and a house!? It could really take every bit of time and energy you have to feed, clothe, entertain, exercise, love, and keep this household clean. Do you really need to spread out your energies more than they already are?
I want to make something of myself, do something important, inspired or inspiring, or even just interesting with my life. But why? In the scheme of things what will it matter if your ego has made a name amongst other egos of our time? What is this need to be productive? Why aren't you content with just being? Why can't you, like a leaf or a deer, just go with the flow of the Universe?
I thought about this the other night while watching a Showtime documentary on Joan Rivers, who, in her mid-seventies is still in pursuit of what she deems to be "success" in showbusiness. She really takes to heart the idea that all the world is a stage... and furthermore isn't happy with her performance unless the reviews are favorable. I guess it is her craving to be social, her fear of being alone and ultimately dying alone, unrecognized for her abilities, her comedy and her stage presence, whatever, that motivates her. Her drive to be productive and creative and so.. public is extreme, to say the least. But still I can relate and understand her feeling.
I have always been a writer. Just a private writer. Hardly anyone sees what I write... If you write every day but never publish it, never even let anyone else read it, does it still count as being a writer? And then, am I writing out of fear of being unimportant, of not having a voice in my society? A friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day, "Are you acting out of fear or love?" I do think it is a good thing to ask yourself every once in a while.
And doing stuff is important, no matter how much recognition you get or don't get for what you do. I get that. Even if I never write, blog, work outside of my own home, I know that I'm doing my best as a mother and as an upstanding citizen (I suppose!) and that it's important, to my family and to society. But I still have this need. This desire, to write. To publish a post on a blog that has the possibility of being read by billions of people. It's just that part of me that is an extreme nihilist still thinks, why must I create? Why must I be productive and put myself out there? Isn't being here now enough?
Well, being a nihilist is great. I like it. It keeps me grounded and makes living interesting and life funny. I guess. Sometimes. It is, however, bad if you want to do anything, really, especially blog. SO! Putting my vague philosophies on life aside, and in lieu of continuing to edit and edit some more (as I know I could definitely do!), here's to publishing my first post!
Why? Because. I don't know. But just because. Why not?!
Anyway, please feel leave a comment, whether you know me or not. Whether it is important or not. Just to. And I'll try to blog again, sometime soon, most likely. :-) ;-) Thanks for stopping by!
It's kind of ironic; since I created this blog I've written three posts that I just never finished. Just never published. I'll write something, spend a good amount of time on it, and then leave it to continue editing later... and then I start to doubt myself, and what I've written, and why I would want to share it with anybody. And so this has remained a shell of a blog for months and months.
I guess I've got this thing that holds me back in life. This Why that I can't seem to shake. It goes like this:
I want to write. But why? says a little voice in the back of my psyche. Why do you want to write? Hasn't enough been said already? Aren't there billions of people out there writing at this very moment, probably something very similar, or even better than what you might come up with?
I want to blog. But why? Don't you have enough on your plate taking care of two babies (and their dad), yourself, two dogs, and a house!? It could really take every bit of time and energy you have to feed, clothe, entertain, exercise, love, and keep this household clean. Do you really need to spread out your energies more than they already are?
I want to make something of myself, do something important, inspired or inspiring, or even just interesting with my life. But why? In the scheme of things what will it matter if your ego has made a name amongst other egos of our time? What is this need to be productive? Why aren't you content with just being? Why can't you, like a leaf or a deer, just go with the flow of the Universe?
I thought about this the other night while watching a Showtime documentary on Joan Rivers, who, in her mid-seventies is still in pursuit of what she deems to be "success" in showbusiness. She really takes to heart the idea that all the world is a stage... and furthermore isn't happy with her performance unless the reviews are favorable. I guess it is her craving to be social, her fear of being alone and ultimately dying alone, unrecognized for her abilities, her comedy and her stage presence, whatever, that motivates her. Her drive to be productive and creative and so.. public is extreme, to say the least. But still I can relate and understand her feeling.
I have always been a writer. Just a private writer. Hardly anyone sees what I write... If you write every day but never publish it, never even let anyone else read it, does it still count as being a writer? And then, am I writing out of fear of being unimportant, of not having a voice in my society? A friend of mine posted on Facebook the other day, "Are you acting out of fear or love?" I do think it is a good thing to ask yourself every once in a while.
And doing stuff is important, no matter how much recognition you get or don't get for what you do. I get that. Even if I never write, blog, work outside of my own home, I know that I'm doing my best as a mother and as an upstanding citizen (I suppose!) and that it's important, to my family and to society. But I still have this need. This desire, to write. To publish a post on a blog that has the possibility of being read by billions of people. It's just that part of me that is an extreme nihilist still thinks, why must I create? Why must I be productive and put myself out there? Isn't being here now enough?
Well, being a nihilist is great. I like it. It keeps me grounded and makes living interesting and life funny. I guess. Sometimes. It is, however, bad if you want to do anything, really, especially blog. SO! Putting my vague philosophies on life aside, and in lieu of continuing to edit and edit some more (as I know I could definitely do!), here's to publishing my first post!
Why? Because. I don't know. But just because. Why not?!
Anyway, please feel leave a comment, whether you know me or not. Whether it is important or not. Just to. And I'll try to blog again, sometime soon, most likely. :-) ;-) Thanks for stopping by!
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